I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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