If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize