I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
