You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Please don't give away my fajitas
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
