Your face is a jimmy john
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Alive.
So much puke
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
