the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
