Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My penis needs a shock collar
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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