I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
