I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
