Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
