sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
