When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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