I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize