just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
