Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
