I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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