why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
