Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
