i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Two words: blizzard sex
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
