The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
