He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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