Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
