He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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