three words: i give head
three words: not that well
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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