He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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