so explain again why im purple
no
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
