I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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