i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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