this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We're too hungover to prance.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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