turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize