She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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