my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
