So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
