Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just want nice things and good sex
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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