Will you blow on my dice?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
