You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
