Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
