just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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