Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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