Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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