I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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