I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
