she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
