Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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