I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
