I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
