Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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