I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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