I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
