at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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