I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize