I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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