he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
