i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
