His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
