i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize