just tell him i said nine months
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
