So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
