When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
