I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
