just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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