I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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