I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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