I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
