I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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