12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
