I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
